My Holy Land Experience Redux

This is a reprint of a blog post I made on my blog last year.  Enjoy!

I went to the Holy Land Experience yesterday with my youngest son, who happens to be five going on forty.  It was my first visit to the Christian-based Orlando theme park since the Trinity Broadcasting Network bought it some years ago.  I went, quite frankly, because my wife and older son went on a 15 day trip that included several days in the real Holy Land, and I promised my little guy we would one-up them.  Our mission was not to merely experience the Holy Land Experience as a means of one-uppance. We knew that wouldn't cut it.  Our mode of one-uppance was going to come when we got our picture taken with Jesus, which we were certain we would be able to do. The brochures and television ads clearly showed Jesus walking around greeting people in the park.  We decided that a photo op with Jesus himself would pretty much trump any ancient ruins that the other two members of our family visited.  In a moment of kindness I will include you on my little photo safari through the land of near-ancient Israel where the Crouch's are king, T.D. Jakes is THE MAN and an aging Dino still gets to play piano and make the old bee-hive hair-doe'd Pentecostal ladies swoon---Liberace style. 

The Holy Land Experience claims to be the one place in Orlando where you can literally go back in time and experience what it was like in ancient Israel.  I snapped the pic to the right at the entrance to the "Smile of a Child" area of the Holy Land Experience.  I am just spitballing here, but I am guessing that ancient Israel didn't have randomly placed trees filled with parrots and butterfly park benches guarded by grouchy Roman soldiers... or did they?

And this pic also begs the question, "Why place this rather imposing and scary resin statue at the entrance to the kids area?"  Is it a reminder that they should behave, refrain from naughty words and mind their teacher---who also happens to be their mom since they are homeschooled?

I wasn't feeling the random statue love.

Take this one for example, which was also discovered in the kids zone of the park.  I know that the good folks at TBN had the right idea---you know, the whole lion lying down with the lamb thing.  But why utilize what looks like a serious, regal prop from a Narnia exhibit when it comes to the lion and then bust out with a sheep from the Wallace and Grommit movies (or Serta commercials, whichever your prefer) to stand opposite him?

And what does the sheep seem to be saying here with his sideways glance?  "I know that things are supposed to be different now that we're lying down with lions, but I still don't trust the bloody thing."  

I guess that's the best way to describe much of what my kid and I experienced in the Holy Land Experience:  random.

Take a look at this pic on the right.  I snapped it in the kids zone along with the others.  It's Zaccheus up a tree.  But inexplicably there is this kangaroo right below him.

First, kangaroos are not indigenous to Gaililee.  Anyone knows that.  Second, why place it randomly in the Zaccheus story?  Is there more to the Zaccheus story than we saw at first blush?  Could this be Vince the Kangaroo, who was cut from the first draft of the story we find in the Gospels?  Maybe Zaccheus climbed the tree because he had sold Vince a sub prime mortgage and Vince was going to open up a can of kangaroo style whoop ass on him in retaliation.

Does anyone else but me think this is messed up?

This was the bean bag toss in the bizarre castle-themed area of the kids zone.  Yes.  It's the Devil.  You get more points for throwing the been bag through the whole where his heart should have been. 

I am seriously not making this stuff up.

The people at TBN have lots of money from all of those Carmen DVDs they sell on TV.  They should be able to afford something a little more interesting than this for kids to play with at their amusement park.

"Okay, Johnny, you've got three tries to make your beanbag go through the Devil's holes!  Miss more than once and you're damned to eternal retribution!  Ready, set, Go!"  

This is the Jonah in the belly of the whale exhibit.  There is a talking clam in the foreground.  You can't see it in the pic, but there is also a large octopus, a star fish and some sort of grouper.  All of them talk.  The octopus sounds like he was voiced by a white man trying to tell a Chris Rock joke and doing his best Chris Rock voice to do it.  Yeah, it was that racist.
At any rate, the little sea creatures are carrying on an endless dialogue about Jonah being in the belly of the whale.  Jonah occasionally will spout off Scripture in the King James version of the Bible in a cavernous, deep voice.

This is a straight-up Chuck Heston/Moses statue parting the Red Sea that is inhabited by happy little fish and dolphins.

Chuck makes a good statue.

You walk between the walls of water by the way.

It's pretty cool.

At least my five year old thought it was.

Okay, so did I.

Come on... it's Chuck Heston, for crying out loud.

Communion is celebrated every 15 minutes at this spot.

Jesus shows up to talk you through it.

They used grape juice.

People would get their early so that they could get a good seat.

Just like John did.

The suck up.

I found this door in the empty Garden Tomb.

It was next to the spot that the TBN people set up to look like where Jesus had been.

Theologically this door messes up a bunch of your belief system if you ponder it for a while.

I pointed it out to my kid, who is--as stated--five going on forty.  I said, "Look at that door in the back of Jesus' Tomb." he looks at it sort of nonplussed and says,  "That's where they store stuff."

Touche.

My five year old took this picture to the right using my iPhone.  I was proud of him.

This is a photo site that was set up by the TBN people so that you can have your picture taken next to Jesus to look like you are walking on water like Peter.

If I look like I am calm, it's just because I am fully at peace in the presence of the Resin Christ.

Oh don't hate me because you ain't me.  It was too good of a pun to pass up.

And yes, these damn butterfly benches were everywhere. 

If you look really closely in the background of this photo you can see two mannequins that have branches and flowers in their hair like druids.

Yep. That's Adam and Eve.

They are hiding back there, looking all stoic.

But their ashamed.

Oh yeah.

A lot.
 

The picture on the right is of a statue of two monkeys sitting on a butterfly bench.  I don't know why they were on the butterfly bench.  I don't know what sort of Biblical or Holy Land type of purpose they served. 

They look sort of cute, though.

Or frightened. 

Or pretty dang creepy. 

Come to think of it there were lots of creepier things than these monkeys in the Holy Land Experience.  Like the maintenance guy who leered at us with blackened misshapen teeth when he told us directions to the restroom.  And then sort of followed us in there. 

And the video of Benny Hinn playing in the bookstore.

Okay, so the day wasn't a total loss.

We got our picture with Jesus. 

And some kind people from Jamaica took it for us.

I couldn't help but overhear Jesus tell the man who took our picture that "if there were more people like you in America, it wouldn't be in the shape it is right now." 

I bet it seemed weird for the Jamaican guy to hear that from Jesus. 

Especially since he looked like Loggins and/or Messina. 

Who cares.  Me and my kid got our picture taken with the man himself. 

Top that.

Related articles

• Holy Land Experience theme park: Crucifixion, even on Christmas (gadling.com)
• Holy Land a theme park of biblical proportions (msnbc.msn.com)

An Evolving Respect

by Cody Kilgore

In response to Paul's "A Matter of Faith or Chicanery."

At some point, while getting to know someone, whether they're a new personal acquaintance or a coworker, the subject of religion or beliefs comes up. It’s the part of a conversation that I dislike; I’ve never understood why any faith has anything to do with a person’s value, and I've grown tired of trying to differentiate being an agnostic from being an atheist. I usually make light of it by saying an atheist doesn’t believe there is a God, and an agnostic is too apathetic to care if there is or not.

But you never know how that whole part of the conversation is going to go, and I know that sometimes my definition has done little to clarify it for them, or avoid their labeling me an atheist anyway. It’s just as well to let it go. I figure if I’m judged on it, it’s not a worthwhile connection anyway.

The problem I most dislike about how people view either atheists or agnostics is that they believe we pass judgment on people of faith, and it very well may be the case with many in those two camps. But, for myself, I instead prefer to view everyone’s faith or religion as a very personal conviction, something deeply felt, and deserving my respect. I personally believe this applies to every denomination and faith on the planet, meaning that I see Hindu, Muslim, Baptist, Presbyterian, Catholic…all of them on the same level. No one has all the answers or the inside scoop on a ticket to an afterlife.

Truth be told, I have more problems with organized religion than I do with the concept of any higher being or afterlife. Most instances of my life that have shaped my feelings about faith have been a result of my dealings with organized religion and the agents of such institutions. I think that any relationship one would choose to have with their respective deity would be best done directly, one-on-one, without any reliance on an institution between them and their god that can either interpret, or misinterpret, or interfere between the two.

This is exactly where my biggest problem with religion lies. Too many of the religions I have experienced, or seen, seem to want to act as an agent that determines the nature of one’s relationship with their god and what is acceptable morality to their god. I have difficulty with that. I think that morality has nothing to do with God, or religion, or anything to do with following either, and I always shudder at the thought that someone else would or could try to define those parameters for me. I also think a person is either good, or bad, or maybe a little mixture of both, whether they are a person of faith or not.

And when I see people like Benny Hinn—whom I had never even heard of before reading Paul’s piece—I have to remind myself that he is the extreme and worst product of organized religion, and try to maintain that healthy respect I want to keep (and pass on to my daughters) of most peoples’ faiths. He, and those like him, would make it easy to laugh at and look down on religion and the people that follow him or any religion, but you can’t do that. He’s ludicrous, and he is not the mainstream, despite what it looks like his duped audience size may be.

In short, the answer to Paul’s “Faith or Chicanery” question, obvious to me: chicanery. He is the ultimate example of the worst thing I see in religions; I distrust someone that inserts himself between man and God, posturing to be the appointed authority over others. Often, this is done for the purpose of persuasion, dominance, or financial gain. I always want to see people like him exposed, like so many televangelists before him have been. I think we all know the list of those that have fallen from grace when their on-screen shill is seen in a better perspective because their off-screen antics have been revealed. And, when one goes down, there always seems to be another one pop up in their place. That procession of pilferers will likely never end, so long as there are flocks to be fleeced. But, neither the false prophet, nor those that follow them are indicative of any healthy religious experience, or any healthy relationship with God, or a god.

Hinn is a con artist, but I can’t let him color my feelings about faiths or most people that follow them. In fact, all the friends I know that are people of faith are actually a couple of evolved life forms above him.

A Matter of Faith or Chicanary?

I've decided to post here a Sunday morning mulling posted earlier on my other blog, The Isle of Mulling, because I believe the subject worthy of further discussion.  Faith is a huge part of our societal framework and it's abuse, as I've noted in this post, should be questioned.  So, for your consideration:

The thing is, Benny Hinn knows he's a charlatan; the charlatan always does.  His chicanery has come up in many conversations I've had this week, as the topic of religion and faith has been some of this week's hot topics for me.  His claims of healings can't be substantiated, he makes ridiculous claims that even people of his ilk shy away from, and he lives a lifestyle on par with the wealthiest elites, and that because of the immense wealth he's bilked from followers while ostensibly working to spread the good news of the gospel. I'm telling you he knows he's a fraud.


I thought to pepper a post here with stats and such to give you a glimpse into the life of a phony, but NNDB.com does a better job than I ever could.  Check it out. I also found a video that I thought both  humorous and sad at the same time of Benny Hinn at his "miracle crusades".  Check it out:




The main point here is that I'm saddened that people like Benny Hinn have no compunction about preying on the faithful for their own personal aggrandizement  The idea that wealth is acquired by taking advantage of folks who honestly hope for answers or healing from their faith is beyond appalling or criminal; it's evil.  The fact that these "faith healers" jet around the world in private planes as some poor family "planted a seed" with their last dollar in hopes of being healed should gall everyone.  The fact that anyone would prey on the naivety of the faithful should be held accountable, but being that it is a matter of faith, it's nearly impossible.  It's hard to convince the hopeful that their "healer" is nothing more than a snake oil salesman.  What do you say of the person who wrings out every last penny they can get from your hope?  It's sad.